It’s no secret that I’m looking for a part-time job.
I haven’t announced it to the world by renting a billboard on I-35 or buying a 30-second spot during “The Biggest Loser,” but I’ve posted Tweets about it and mentioned it on Facebook.
And, of course, everyone knows what that means…
I am still very much committed to e-Partners in Giving, but I made a promise to my wife that we would never have to be weekly plasma donors in order to pay our mortgage.
With our young company still trying to get legs, I have reached the point where it’s time to keep that promise.
Break out the want ads, start pounding the pavement … I’m officially looking for a job, just like I did my sophomore year of high school. (Thanks to Little Caesar’s for giving a dorky 16-year-old a chance.)
A lot of people ask me, “What do you want to do?”
Cue the intense desire to throw-up.
OR an even more vomit-inducing inquiry, “What are you willing to do?”
Yep…there was a little splash of puke in my mouth…OK….swallowed it…..no harm, no foul.
Seriously, I do have a few parameters about re-entering
the real world:
• No retail (the mall is Satan’s den)
• No fast food (even though Kevin Spacey rocked the house when he worked the drive thru in American Beauty)
• Nothing over 40 hours a week (please re-read paragraph five)
• No pyramid schemes (I was actually approached by someone when I first started this search)
Over the last couple of months, I have filled out applications and/or inquired about the following positions (responses OR lack of responses noted in parenthesis):
• Sports Program Director at YMCA
(“We’ll be in touch.”)
• PT Activity Coordinator for Non Profit Community Center
• Radio Producer for 105.3 The Fan
(Web site: “Your application has been received.”)
• Social Media Specialist / Social Networking Coordinator at Texas Research Institute
(“…unfortunately your background does not meet our current requirements.”)
• “Love Movies? Articulate? Great opportunity …”
With my confidence in the gutter – close to completely redoing my resume by removing any “important” titles, making my Master’s Degree disappear, and actually putting Little Caesar’s back on there.
Then I got an e-mail from a friend regarding a job opportunity. (Awwww, the power of Facebook.)
It was a forwarded e-mail and her only comment was, “You did say anything… and part time…”
The job: Carpet cleaning.
Despite frantically looking for a barf bag, I ran through my parameters – no mall, no french fries … “why not!”
My response: “I’ll do this in a heartbeat…What do I need to do to make this happen?”
Don’t throw up! Don’t throw up!
My friend sent me the contact information of the carpet cleaner, who she knew through a friend of a friend’s second cousin. (Or something like that.)
After the initial contact, the carpet cleaner inquired about a resume.
I sent it. (No Little Caesar’s or Toys ‘R’ Us)
Are you familiar with those enzymes released in your mouth right before you chunk? Cue ’em!
CARPET CLEANER: “Can we set up a phone interview?”
Cue intense dry heave.
A couple of days later we spoke for 20 minutes on the phone.
CC: “Do you like manual labor?”
ME: “Like is a strong word, but I don’t mind it.”
CC: “What kind of pay are you looking for?”
ME: “Obviously a lot, but I’m thinking there is probably ceiling for carpet cleaning – ironically enough.” (giggling a little and VERY proud of my job-related humor)
CC: “I see you have your Master’s Degree…would you have a problem being an assistant?”
ME: “Ummm…have you ever seen American Beauty? I’m looking for the least possible amount of responsibility.”
ME: “Nevermind. No, I don’t think my educational background would impact my ability to clean carpets.”
CC: “We’ll let you know. We would want this person to get started next week.”
ME: “Do you guys ever have to clean up vomit?”
I actually started sharing this opportunity with friends and family – coming to grips with my destiny.
Another day passed.
Then I got the e-mail…
They decided to “go a different direction.”
I’M NOT EVEN GOOD ENOUGH TO CLEAN CARPETS?
I’LL SHOW YOU!
WHERE IS MY VACUUM CLEANER?
Wait…where was the nausea?
Why didn’t I smell burning feathers extinguished by bile anymore?
Where was my urge to find the closest toilet and give it a bear hug?
After I turned off my vacuum cleaner in mid-stroke, I realized that was the BEST e-mail that I’ve EVER received.
I literally stopped, closed my eyes and prayed. “Thank you, God. I’m following you and I appreciate you keeping me out of the carpet cleaning business.”
With new sense of purpose and direction, I started wrapping the cord around the vacuum cleaner. I put it back in the closet, walked to the computer and worked diligently on e-Partners in Giving for the next several hours.
Not a single urge to throw up.