I’ve been telling people that I’m a retired stay-at-home dad – mainly because…I am.
At first, I was pretty proud of my new “career path.” I thought I was blazing new trails for men across the world – shaking things up and defining the new normal.
I’ve recently discovered that being a male Domestic Administrator is the run-of-the-mill, boring, everyday normal. There are thousands of men across the country, just like me, living out the cinematic masterpiece “Mr. Mom.”
The only thing unique about my situation is my wife’s profession. She is a flight attendant, which means when she’s working, I’m alone.
For approximately 12 days a month, it’s just The Boy and me. (If you want to throw in Cpt. Augustus McCrae, the smartest dumb dog in America, feel free.)
I’m not going to sugarcoat it and say it’s all butterflies and rainbows when it’s just us, but we do pretty well for three stinky boys. No one has died and/or been severely maimed. (Yet!)
I have a theory on why we’re all able to survive: I’m a former football coach. All I need is a plan of attack, some self-defined rules and a little discipline. With those bullets in my gun, delirium doesn’t stand a chance – victory is the ONLY option.
I’ll explain by breaking down our game plan:
MORNING GLORY: The Early Bird Gets to Shower in Peace
I have to wake up before The Boy – if I don’t, the day could potentially be disastrous.
NOTE: I’m a morning shower guy. That’s how I wake up. I get out of bed and immediately let hot water hit my naked body. If something throws a wrench into this morning “tradition,” the rest of the day is suspect.
Now, I’m not saying that I can’t shower after Crash wakes up – but if I want to enjoy the experience AND not have a two year old point and constantly remind me that I indeed do have a “tee tee,” I have to roll out before him.
Here’s the rub, though: I have NO idea what time he’s going to wake up – so, I set my alarm for 4 a.m. and play Russian roulette with my snooze button for the next 120 minutes (every 10 minutes to be exact).
ME (groggy with one eye open): “Do I risk it? It’s only 10 more minutes!”
CRASH: “Da Da! Da Da!”
ME: “Damn it!”
It’s not like I want him to sleep until 8 a.m. I just believe if I can shower, make the bed and brew one cup of coffee before he wakes up – there’s a GREAT chance we’re going to “win” the day.
Team Myers 1, Delirium 0
– – –
MR. CLEAN: Scrub the Toilet or Get Assaulted
When I’m flying solo, I treat staying at home like a job. It’s not just making sure Crash doesn’t set the dog on fire, but also making sure “the house” is running efficiently.
So after we eat breakfast, we’re working – laundry, sweeping, dusting, etc.