I’ve told my wife that I want her to have me stuffed when I die.
Oh, yeah…I’m talking taxidermy. She can prop me up in the corner of the living room and dress me in different outfits, according to the season. (A tacky Christmas sweater in December, a nice pastel tie at Easter, etc.)
Whatcha think? Awesome, right?
Yeah….she’s not crazy about the idea either.
Confession: I only tell people this, including my wife, to generate an extreme reaction. Most of the time, that reaction is disgust, with a few awkward giggles sprinkled in. (I think only one person has said, “That’s cool!”)
The only reason I bring it up right now, I’ve been thinking about my funeral a lot lately, and I have some legitimate post-mortem requests that I don’t want to fall through the cracks.
I’ve discussed these details with my wife, but I thought a blog post dedicated to this subject would help hold her accountable.
Editor’s Note: Just like the disclaimer I gave when I started burning some of my “treasures” – I am NOT dying and I don’t plan on dying anytime soon. But as you know, there are no guarantees about tomorrow.
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It’s important to know and understand the M.O. of my funeral: Get people from sadness, to closure, to the after party as fast as possible – a few tears and then a firm kick in the pants to start living a bold and adventurous life.
Here are the details and the Run of Show:
ACT I: The Funeral
• Held in church – no funeral home
• NO flowers
In honor of my failed business venture, e-Partners in Giving, I want donations made to Big Brothers Big Sisters in the name of my son, Crash Greer Myers.
• Open casket is a MUST
This is a tribute to all my loved ones who opened their caskets for me. I’ve thoroughly hated most of the funerals I’ve ever attended because of this sadistic ritual. I know seeing the deceased one more time gives some people closure, but it’s devastating for me. I get closure in other ways. (Normally sobbing like an idiot.)
Most funerals I attend, I’m forced to stare at the floor the whole time. (Again, blubbering uncontrollably.)
You’d think I’d opt for NO open casket, because of my overwhelming disdain.
This is my final chance to inflict revenge – not to mention be completely narcissistic. One. More. Time. I’m even going to take it to another level: Tilted casket AND a forced “walk by.”
• The funeral will kick off with acoustic version of “I Can Only Imagine;”
I’m thinking a simple bar stool, a guitar and a famous Texas Country Music artist.
• Two friends – two stories;
I want a couple of my best friends – Greg and Nick – to tell one story each. I won’t go as far to pick the stories, but they better be funny and poignant. (No pressure, gentlemen.)
• Black gospel choir sings “Amazing Grace;”
I think the robes and a surprise solo in the midst of the second verse will bring the house down. (Slide show of random pictures can be shown here OR when the choir sings Van Halen’s “Right Now” later in the ceremony.)
• The “sermon” – from a removed third-party;
The third speaker will be someone who is somewhat detached from the situation. I need someone who can hold it together and drive home the fact that I’m in Heaven. I want them to share my faith, and the fact I’d embraced Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior.
Have you ever been to a funeral and thought: “Are we absolutely sure he’s in Heaven?”
Not at mine.
• Gospel choir sings “Right Now” with accompanying piano;
Reminder: Slide show optional at this point of the funeral.
• Short message from me played through the loud speaker;
I’ll simply thank everyone for coming.
• Everyone stands and sings “American Pie” together – led by Greg.