Getting Physical With Perfection

Disclaimer: I KNOW that I’m not going to live forever. In fact, I totally realize that after I hit “publish” on this blog post I could…

…get hit by bus;

….suffer a stroke;

….be attacked by killer hornets, or

….explode in a weird farm accident.

So….please know and understand that I’m not declaring my immortality in this 500-word narrative. I’m simply stating a fact:

My doctor said that I was perfect.

I won’t bore you with all “my numbers” from my recent physical – you know…blood pressure, cholesterol, blah, blah, blah – but here is a snapshot of the conversation that I had with my doctor after my results came back:

ME: “Perfect? Really?”

DOCTOR: “Would you be willing to be our poster boy for healthy living?”

ME: “ONLY if you promise to never do that thing with your finger again!”

Confession: I was pretty stoked to get the results. I didn’t think that I was going to “fail,” but you never know what a little probing and blood work will uncover. Especially with my family history of heart disease and high cholesterol, I’m always on edge until I get the thumbs-up.

After this physical, I received two thumbs-up.


OK….OK….in order to maintain my integrity…two thumbs-up is ALL I got. Doctor Jellyfinger didn’t actually use the adjective “perfect” when he was giving me my results, BUT he did say “keep doing what you’re doing.”

Confession: That made me happier than him nominating me for The Healthiest Man in the World.

His directions to “stay the course” thrilled me, BECAUSE that meant I could keep….

• Drinking Shiner Bock (or any cold beer);Drew Myers

• Eating Whataburger;

• Salting my food;

• Smoking the occasional cigar;

• Devouring a couple PB&J sandwiches after 11 p.m.;

• Staying up late;

• Pouring myself a glass of Scotch rocks from time to time;

• Treating myself to Mexican food on a regular basis;

• Enjoying my morning cups of coffee;

• Munching on popcorn (with extra butter) at the movie theatre,

That’s the fun part of my “diagnosis,” but I also knew I had to keep working so those trips through the Whataburger drive-in didn’t take me down.

My doctor’s orders to “keep on keeping on” humbled me, BECAUSE that meant I had to keep…

• Running everyday (974 consecutive days when this post was written);

• Drinking lots of water;

• Limiting the amount of fast food that I eat (Whataburger is the only regular villain);

• Monitoring my soda intake (I like to keep it around zero);

• Taking the stairs, instead of the elevator when I can;

• Looking for parking spots a little further from the front door, and

• Playing baseball and football with my son

Again, I’m ecstatic that  “my numbers” look good as I stare down the barrel of my 40th birthday, but that’s not the driving force behind my “healthy” living. You know what motivates me?

1) Being a good example for my kids, and

2) Trying to look good naked.

Perfect answer?

I thought so, too.

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